Love Among the Ruins

****************************************

Oh heart! oh blood that freezes, blood that burns!
           Earth's returns
For whole centuries of folly, noise, and sin!
           Shut them in,
With their triumphs and their glories and the rest!
           Love is best.

Robert Browning, "Love Among the Ruins".

**********************************************

'Hello,' said Hutch, politely, to the strange waitress behind the counter. 'Is Maddy in today?'

'Maddy?' asked the waitress, obviously confused. She thought for a moment, then her face cleared. 'Oh!' she said. 'Maddy. She don't work here no more.'

'No? Do you know how I can contact her?'

'Contact her? I dunno. You a cop?'

'Yes. I am,' said Hutch, with a smile. 'But Maddy's not in trouble. I just want to talk to her.'

'That's what they all say,' said the waitress. 'I got no idea where she is. She didn't show up to work the other day. Now I got her job. That's all I care about.'

'Well, thanks,' said Hutch. 'Good luck to you.'

***************

The nightclub was noisy, and Hutch's head started to pound right away. Disco music was bouncing off the walls. Make that new wave dance music, thought Hutch. Disco was dead, he heard. Good riddance.

He looked around for Starsky. It had been Starsky's idea that he join him here after work. Apparently his new actor friends liked this club, and Starsky said it was pretty open, and friendly to gays. Which meant what? Gay orgies in the back room? He could suck Starsky off on the table, and no one would notice? Or merely that they didn't check to see if your wrist was rigid, before they let you in the door?

There was Starsky, dancing with a woman. She was tall, and blonde, and pretty, and a good dancer. Starsky looked like he was having a good time. He was laughing, his hands around her waist, twirling her. He dipped her, and she looked up at him, with a sexy, inviting smile.

Hutch turned around, and walked out of the club. He climbed into his new Mercedes, and drove to Venice Beach. The surf pounded the sand, as if trying to break down the dividing line between liquid and solid. To regain some sort of primeval unity, that existed before the creation of the world as it now was. When the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. Before God said, let there be light, and there was light, and God divided the light from the darkness.

What's wrong with you? You've seen Starsky dance with women hundreds of times, he thought. Yes, and hated it, he finally admitted to himself. Some darkness inside you hated it.   You hated most of his girl friends. Not Terry. She was worthy of him, and she accepted your place in his life, and you never felt left out. But the others? Some of them had eyes that were too damned knowing. They saw through the facade of friendship, to what you really felt for him.

Kira. She knew.

Okay. So far, so good. Why are you freaking out now?

Other than the undeniable and inescapable fact that this new thing between you and Starsk is the most important thing in your universe, and you'll be lucky to survive it, with anything left of your heart, and with your skin intact. When your love affairs with women broke up, Starsky was there to comfort you. Who will be there for you, when Starsky leaves? And whatever he says, eventually he's going to get bored. Or you'll screw it up, somehow. He says he loves you, and he wants you, but you can't give him what he needs. No more can the sand give the ocean what it needs. No more can the darkness and the light join forces, and be again as one.

Ouch, thought Hutch. You're becoming maudlin. Just go home, and sleep it off.

*********************

He was being chased by a giant pumpkin, with Kira's face, singing "I Need a Man". He should have been able to escape her with ease, but his feet kept sticking to the floor, and he could only move in slow motion. The pumpkin was gaining on him, and it was sure to squash him. Squash him. That was a pun. Pun. Pum. Pumpkin.

'No!' he screamed. 'No bad puns.'

'Hutch? You okay?'

The pumpkin exploded. Pumpkin seeds rained down from on high. He choked on the mess, and opened his eyes, looking around desperately. The pumpkin was gone, seeds and all. Starsky was sitting on the edge of their bed, still fully dressed. He looked like he'd just come home. Hutch glanced at the clock. It was 3 AM.

'Yeah,' said Hutch. 'I'm okay. Just a nightmare.' Or maybe this is the nightmare, he thought.

'Good,' Starsky answered. 'Serves you right, you bastard.'

Hutch rubbed his gritty eyes. 'Why?' he asked. 'What did I do?'

'What did you do? What did you do? How can you ask that, Hutch? I saw you there, in the club. You were looking right at me, and you turned and walked out. Why? Because I was dancing with a lady? It was just a dance. Didn't mean nothing. I ran after you, like an idiot, to explain, and you were gone. I been looking for hours, thinking God knows what, and I come home, and here you are. Asleep. Bastard!'

Starsky punched him on his arm. Hard. He looked as if he wanted to punch him in the face, and Hutch couldn't really blame him.

'I'm sorry,' said Hutch. 'I didn't know you saw me. It was noisy in the club, that's all. Gave me a headache. You were having fun, and I didn't want to spoil it. So I just came home.'

'Liar! I checked here, first. You were off somewhere, brooding. You do a lot of that, lately. I thought I was making you happy. Maybe I was wrong.'

Hutch tried to answer, but no sound would come out. He swallowed, and closed his eyes.

'Ah, Babe, Babe, Babe. What am I gonna do with you?'

Hutch found himself with an armful of black leather. Starsky rained kisses on his closed eyes.

'What am I gonna do with you?' Starsky asked again. 'What's really the problem, here?'

'I'm not sure what I'm gonna do when I lose you, Starsky,' Hutch replied.

'Lose me? You're not gonna lose me, idiot.'

'You don't know that, Starsk. I almost did lose you. You almost died. And I did lose you, in a way. You retired. I know you had to, but it still hurt.' Hutch buried his face in Starsky's jacket, and breathed in the strong, masculine scent of leather, and aftershave, and the smell of Starsky's own body. Starsky rocked him, murmuring love words and curses, indiscriminately.

'You haven't lost me. I'm still here. And I'm not going anywhere, without a fight. I'm gonna die, someday. So are you. But not soon, if I have anything to say about it. And I'm not leaving you for a lady. Certainly not for Bobbie.'

'That her name?' asked Hutch.

'Yeah. She's just a lady I saw on the dance floor, and asked for a dance. I dumped her without much ceremony, when I saw you take off. Don't think I made a good impression, but I can't say I give a damn. What do I have to do, Hutch? What do I have to say? This is getting old, ya know?'

'I know.'

'Then give it a rest. You're just making us both unhappy.'

'I know.'

'Look at you, all blond and naked. And me, still dressed.'

'I know. Leave your clothes on.'

'Even my boots?'

'Especially your boots.'

'Kinky,' said Starsky. He blew in Hutch's ear, and then bit the lobe.

'I know,' Hutch breathed, shakily. He reached down, and unzipped Starsky's jeans. Starsky's cock rose up, dark and powerful. 'Where do you want me?' Hutch asked.

'Like this,' said Starsky. He pulled the blankets down, and exposed Hutch's naked body. 'Look at you,' he said again. 'Long, long legs. Such a beautiful cock. I love your body, Hutch. I love fucking you. Why would I want to leave?'

Hutch fumbled in the bedside table, and found the lube. He handed the tube to Starsky.

'Put it on me!' Starsky ordered.

Hutch stroked the slippery lube onto Starsky's cock. It swelled even bigger. Starsky pulled Hutch's legs up onto his shoulders.

'You like this, don't you?' Starsky asked. 'Tell me you like it.'

'I like it,' said Hutch, as Starsky began pressing tenderly into his body.

I love it, but it doesn't solve all my problems. It doesn't take away all my fears. It doesn't make you immortal.

******************

'You think Maddy went back to hooking?' Starsky asked. 'Or maybe she just left town? Had enough of this place? Can't say I blame her.'

'Maybe,' Hutch allowed. 'No one seemed too worried about her. Not like with the other women. I haven't had calls from friends or relatives yet. But, it's only been a few days.'

'But you're worried?'

'Yeah, shit, I'm worried. I liked her. And she's my most important witness. I'm worried as hell.'

'Get some sleep,' said Starsky. 'We'll see what we can do about that tomorrow.'

'What's with this "we", Kemo Sabe?'

'We never ended, Tonto. We never will.'

*** The End ***

Links Forward and Back

All Thy Heart