Thus Say I In My Heart

*****************************

You have changed me by your love.
Thus say I in my heart,
In my soul, at my prayers:
"I lack my commander tonight,
I am as one dwelling in a tomb."

-ancient Egyptian love poem.

*****************************

Virginia Roberts was something else. She was, in fact, a bitch. She
complained about everything. Her trailer. The meals she was served.
Her costumes. Her salary. Her screen time. Everything.

Virginia Roberts got results with her complaints. Just to shut her up
until they killed off her character, she'd been given more money, and a
special episode that centred on Defence Attorney, Diana Winston.

Virginia Roberts might be a bitch, but she could act. Starsky watched
as Diana Winston defended her client against a charge of murder. It was
a dramatic courtroom scene. It brought tears to his eyes.

'Shit!' said Diana... no... Virginia Roberts. 'This light makes me look
big.'

'It's not the light, Schweetheart. You are big.'

'How dare you, Mr... Starsky, isn't it? You're here as the police
advisor. Not to insult me.'

'I'm not insulting you, Miss Roberts. I'm stating a fact. You're not a
small woman. You're a big one. You're also beautiful, and a wonderful
actress. Changing the lighting won't make you small. Why not use your
size as an advantage? Use it to impress the jury. And another thing.
That dress is too frilly. No defence attorney would wear it in a
courtroom.'

'You're right, Mr. Starsky.   It's quite inappropriate. I'm going to
change. A black suit, I think. That would be slimming.'

She strode off, leaving the entire cast and crew with their mouths open.

'Thank you, Mr. Starsky,' said the director, with pointed sarcasm.

'You're welcome. I thought it was time I earned my salary. The dress
was too frilly. No defense attorney would wear it in a courtroom.'

********************

'Hoo boy! You really set the cat among the pigeons, David.'

'Look, I have to be honest, Jordan. I was hired to be honest. I was
hired as the police technical advisor. I was told you wanted to make
the show as realistic as possible. I'm only doing my job, just as the
director's doing his job, when he calls for another take.'

'It's not that,' said Jordan Fox. 'It's Virginia. Now she's really on
a roll. She wants to be the most authentic defense attorney on TV.
She's thinking of taking law courses, so the lingo will trip off her
tongue... er, trippingly. She wants a new wardrobe, and a new hairdo.
All before the next take.'

'Well, she's serious about her job. What's wrong with that?'

'Nothing. Everything.   This is TV. There's time involved. And money.'

'Ah, well. It's been fun working here. Where do I pick up my pink slip?'

'Pink slip? What pink slip? You're not fired.'

'Whew! That's good. Hutch just bought his first decent car, and he's
worried about money.'

'Sounds like my husband. I had to threaten to divorce him, before he'd
buy new pants. And it's not like we're poor. But I thought gay men
were different.'

Starsky didn't protest the use of the word 'gay'. What was the point?
He'd sucked Hutch's dick dry, just before they left for work. What'd
that make him?

Not straight, that's for sure.

'Hutch has a thing about cars,' he answered. 'All his cars were junk
heaps, until I made him buy a used Mercedes. Now I have to spend an
hour every night making up for it.'

'Really?' asked Jordan, with a raised eyebrow. 'You poor thing.'

She grinned.

'Yeah,' said Starsky. 'Should have made him buy a new one while I was at
it, I'm thinking. Get my money's worth.'

'Please don't. We'd never see you at work if you did.'

**********************************

'Mmm. Hi, Babe. Great to hear your voice.'

'Same here, Starsky. Can't talk for long, though. Whatever happened to
proper phone booths? Can't have a proper conversation in these stupid
things.'

'Proper conversation? You mean phone sex?' Starsky began breathing
heavily. 'Oh, yeah. Baby, baby, baby. Do it. That's it. Harder.'

'Starsk?' asked Hutch, plaintively. 'Have you lost your mind?'

'Nah. Just teasing ya. Anyone's liable to walk in, any minute. That's
kinda exciting, though. Isn't it?'

'If you say so. Let's not waste this call fooling around. This is my
lunch break.'

'I know. But are you really eatin' any lunch?'

'Yeah, yeah. Listen, Mum. Got a tip on where Maddy might be, and I'm
gonna check it out. Might be late home, okay?'

Starsky felt a chill go down his spine. 'Okay?' he said. 'No, it's not
okay. What're you up to, you idiot? Have someone else check out these
tips. That's what they get paid for. You get paid to order all those
grunts around. Remember? I told you that before.'

'Now, Starsky....'

'Don't you 'now Starsky' me. And put that finger down.'

'What finger?'

'The finger you're shaking at me over the phone. I can't see it, so
it's a waste of time. Listen, Hutch. The only reason I can stand not
workin' with you anymore, is that I know you're not risking your life
doin' idiotic things. Like tracking down tips on the whereabouts of
missing witnesses. That one's a classic. You know that. You'll end up
dead in an alley somewhere.'

'Thanks for the support, and belief in my intelligence, Starsky. I
appreciate it.'

'You're welcome. Just have one of your detectives hunt Maddy down.
Please, Hutch?'

'I'll think about it. See you tonight. I got something I want to ask you.'

'What? Ask me now.'

'Not over the phone. It's private.'

'Okay. See you tonight. Love you.'

'Same here.'

Starsky put the phone back in its cradle. He still felt cold. 'Damn,
damn, damn,' he muttered. 'Stupid, fucking idiot!'

'All men are idiots. What do you expect?' asked a voice behind him.

He turned. Virginia Roberts stood in the doorway, grinning.

'I'm a man,' Starsky pointed out to her.

'So, you know what I mean,' said Virginia. 'Isn't it rough, living with
one? I couldn't stand it. Eventually divorced him. All the hims, I
mean. All four of them. I think I might turn gay.'

'It's not that easy,' said Starsky. 'It takes a special gift. And it doesn't solve your problems.'

'Then why did you do it?' Virginia asked.

It was a reasonable question, thought Starsky. 'It wasn't something I
sat down and planned out,' he answered. 'And it's hardly your business,
is it?'

'No. Of course not. I'm not asking out of malice, Mr. Starsky. I have
no agenda. I like you. You're tough and honest, without being mean.
You don't seem to be out to get me. The advice you gave me was sound.
I'm only curious. You like women. I've noticed you watch them, and you
watch them like most men watch them. Like you appreciate all the
relevant parts.'

Starsky laughed. 'I appreciate them just fine,' he admitted. 'I fell
in love with someone. He happened to be a man. Maybe his parts aren't
considered relevant by the rest of the world, but they work for me. I'm
happier than I've ever been.'

'Even if he is a stupid, fucking idiot?' asked Virginia.

'Oh, yeah,' sighed Starsky. 'I think I wouldn't have him any other way.'

*************************

'Hutch? You home?'

Of course Hutch wasn't home. That would have been too easy. That would
have meant Hutch had taken his advice. Stayed in his office, and sent
some anonymous detective out to look for Maddy. That would have been
utterly unlike Hutch, so why did Starsky think he'd do it?

I didn't think he'd do it, I just hoped he would, thought Starsky. He
picked up the phone and dialled Hutch's office. No answer, of course.
There was no way he could sit around waiting for Hutch to come home.
Not without at least some idea where Hutch was and when he might
actually come home. Now I know how all those police wives felt all
those years, he thought. Now I know why I couldn't ever really marry
one of my own. How could I put someone else through this? How could
Hutch put me through this?

He reached for the phone again, but it rang before he could lift the
receiver.

'Hutch? Where the fuck are you?'

'I'm at the Pits. But last time I checked, I wasn't Hutch. Sorry,
Starsky.'

'Huggy?'

'That's me. Got a message for you.   A rather strange message from
someone I don't know. Want to hear it?'

'Uh... yeah. Shoot.'

'The someone I don't know says his name is Spike. Says, he tried to
call you at work, but you left already. Says remember the loot. Says,
he's on to something, and following the blond. That mean Hutch?'

'I think so, Huggy. What else did he say?'

'That was just about it, except for one thing. Says, if push comes to
shove, he'll pay you back in full, whatever the cost. Means something
to you, I assume?'

'Oh, yeah, Huggy. Means a lot. Thanks for passing the message on. Damn.'

'This guy an enemy, or a friend?'

'A friend, Huggy. A good friend, but a loose cannon. Wish I got that
call. Damn.'

Starsky hung up the phone. The house, which was usually so warm and
welcoming, felt cold and silent. Its heart was missing, he thought.
Its heart and its soul.

It was time he became a detective again. Before it was too late.

*** The End (for now) ***

Links Forward and Back

All Thy Heart